1:58am. I just got back from a party. Not just any party. The birthday party of someone I could love.
I could.
I do not, yet.
It is for now only the thrill of a possibility. A unique feeling.
Now is not the time, though. I must live with it.
Funny how things may repeat. I’m about to turn 30, yet I have tears in my eyes as my old demons come back to haunt me. The same I’ve known since I was a child.
A simple lack of love.
Alas, I am projecting more of my own needs than truthfully loving this special someone. It is a selfish move disguised as a selfless one. An unfair move: a lie, really. She isn’t responsible for any of the projections I put on her or on the both of us.
I am.
It’s hard to admit. As a man, first. But as a human being as well. Wishing to be loved. It’s a basic human need. And that’s why finding a special someone is so difficult. Breakups are painful for this very reason: it’s difficult to let go of someone who loved (loves ?) you. These are rare people and you know it.
Yet, it is sometimes necessary.
I sometimes dream about being a knight and live in a romance as deeply as I want. And of course, my princess would love me in return. But that’s just a dream.
I wish I received more care and tenderness as a child. So I could be less of troubled kid that very few others could accept. But I won’t change the past.
I hope I’ll find a very special someone someday. Someone to share this solitude with. Someone to cross deserts with. But I don’t know if I’ll find her.
All I can do is hope.
And that’s the beauty of it.
Nothing is written yet. No one knows what the future will be. The beauty about our limited time on this planet is that very little matters and yet, everything does.
It is said that you never forget your first love. Do you remember yours ?
I know you do.
You do remember how they used to hold you tight and tell you what they meant to you. That very memory you once lived entails everything life is about: feeling, living and making one moment special. Just one moment.
My first love told me something terrible: “No one will ever love you as deeply as I do”. Thankfully she was wrong. Her love was true. Its uniqueness wasn’t.
The beauty about love is that it’s not bound to just one person.
Yes, you’ll never love someone like her or him. But you’ll love again. And you will love that person for different reasons, for different character traits, qualities and flaws.
Yet you will love them. Love is just as strong if not more as time goes by.
What a beautiful, uncatchable, chaotic emotion. It is the essence of life. It is what makes us who we are.
Humans. Beings. Passionate beings.
Final words
Enough tears shed for the night, it is time for me to go to sleep.
For a dreamer must keep on dreaming.
See you in morphee’s realm ⭐