Speech is silver, silence is golden
I’ve spent years working on how I speak. To become more impactful, more convincing and more “likeable”, in a sense.
A good learning experience, yet an incomplete one.
For I talk too much.
One must also learn to keep their mouth shut when necessary, even when the impulse pushes them to burst out and talk.
Here are 6 reasons why I’m learning to keep quiet.
Avoid hurting others in the heat of the moment
I was always told that “L’ignorance est la pire des souffrances” – being ignored is the worst suffering. Which always pushed me to have a quick response rate to avoid hurting my friends and family.
But this statement is not entirely true.
I discovered it’s sometimes better to delay and reply later especially when I’m about to say something impulsive or emotional. I’ve been mean with some friends because of untamed emotions and regretted it very quickly. And once evil is done, repairing it takes time. Put your phone away, go for a walk and then reply. The difference will be huge – I wish I started doing that earlier.
Note: I’m not saying you should never show negative emotions. But mastering when you do is a great skill to acquire, professionally and personally speaking. Choose when you want the world to know you’re angry. Don’t show it by default.
Pick your battles – avoid pointless arguments
Some fights are simply not worth having. Maybe you know from the start the other person is not going to bulge. Or maybe it would cost so much to your relationship it’s not worth arguing, even if you end up changing their mind.
I’m writing this as a long-time debater. I do love to debate, argue and discuss. I went to some public speaking competition where the whole goal was to do that. A part of me seeks conflict to challenge my position and the current status quo.
But some arguments are simply not worth it. So before you get into one, take a step back to ask yourself: “Is this worth my energy ? What do I expect out of this argument ?”. More often than not, you’ll realize it’s better not to argue and let it flow.
Pick your battles wisely.
Let your actions do the talking
Choosing to avoid an argument doesn’t mean you are giving up on your position. It was a shock to me when I read law 9 from R. Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power:
Win through your actions, never through your arguments.
– Law 9 from The 48 Laws of Power – Robert Greene
Sometimes, people only want to be heard. Which is a legitimate human need. Arguing denies them of this need and makes them worry about their authority – whether it’s a fantasized authority or not.
Greene’s advice is to sometimes pretend you agree with someone, to nod your head as they order you to do something you know to be wrong. And then do what you had in mind. Once you have great results to present, it’s doubtful you will be punished for it. And if you are a fine communicator, you’ll give them some credit and make them forget they pushed you in another direction at the start.
In some situations, it would be too risky to go against the order. Just go with it then. Arguing is a lot about pride. You may need to put yours aside if you want to keep your head on your shoulders.
Note: this is especially true when dealing with over-inflated egos. You’ll have to be careful as to how you present your results to them, otherwise risking to hurt their sense of pride with your success. Inflated egos are naturally attracted to positions of power. Be careful who you make an enemy of.
If you’ve got nothing to say, don’t say anything
OK
– Your crush
Yep. You just read the reply. It doesn’t bring much to the conversation, does it ? Perhaps the whole intention behind that “ok” was to cut it there. And now you don’t know what to say.
The best answer is in front of your eyes : don’t say anything.
It’s tempting to push harder – especially when you are trying to get something out of the conversation. Maybe you’re in a professional setting – this “ok” doesn’t mean your work was not appreciated, you know the manager is under high pressure right now. Maybe you’re in a personal setting – if your guts tell you she isn’t interested, perhaps you should trust them.
There are times where you should push harder and not give up. Tenacity is a great quality but it should be paired with a good critical sense to know when it’s better to stop. More often than not, accepting that the conversation is over is the best thing to do. Close the conversation and resume what you were doing. It is not worth your time to overthink this.
Become a better listener
Do not interrupt. I don’t care about your gender, sex or age. Interrupting is simply rude and frustrating. Now of course, if somebody is bullshitting around and wasting everyone’s valuable time, interrupting may be necessary. But otherwise, let people express their opinion. Let them go through their thought process, until the end. If you’re afraid of forgetting your point, work on your memory while listening to others.
By the way, simply nodding one’s head until the other is finished won’t cut it. Especially if it’s to jump on what you’ve been holding for a minute. It’s very annoying and makes your counterpart think “ok, they haven’t listened to a word of what I just said”. Don’t think people won’t notice it – they will. This will make you lose a lot of points, whether it’s with your significant other, your boss, your colleagues or your friends.
Have a bit of faith: people will share interesting thoughts – if you let them.
Speak less and become more impactful
You’ve certainly already heard about that one: 60-70% of face-to-face communication is non verbal. This means your posture, gesture, look and breath are mostly doing the job. One should probably focus more on these areas than how they speak (see my previous article on the benefits of dancing).
Saying more words may even dilute your message as it was already carried by the non-verbal communication.
Talking less also has the benefit of leaving more room for imagination – never underestimate how powerful imagination can be. It might seem scary to leave room to imagination. It shouldn’t. A well-crafted speech always lets the audience figure out parts of the message.
You should trust the others’ intelligence to do the same.
Final words
A dear friend once told me: “your presence is your greatest quality, it’s also your biggest flaw”.
It is a difficult balance to find between lighting up a conversation and overtaking it.
I’ll keep working on it 🎙️
